


Yes, I'm Changing (Everyone does)

by VMAD



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Dean Thinking, Gen, One Shot, POV Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-04
Updated: 2016-01-04
Packaged: 2018-05-11 17:58:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5636458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VMAD/pseuds/VMAD
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set In Season 11<br/>The Thoughts Of Dean Winchester<br/><em>'Because what's one deal when you're already dead anyway huh'</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	Yes, I'm Changing (Everyone does)

**Author's Note:**

> Hello beautiful people!  
> This is the first ever fanfic that I've actually published, and due to that this will only be a oneshot  
> I'm really scared to post this, but I've really wanted to write fanfiction for a while and here it is!  
> please feel free to let me know what you think, any opinion is welcome! (so long as it's not a nasty one)
> 
> I do not in anyway own Supernatural or Dean and Sam (though i wish i did, I'm sure a lot of people agree... am i right? :D)  
> anyway, i hope you enjoy!  
> !!CHARACTERS ARE MENTIONED BUT NEVER MAKE AN APPEARANCE!!  
> (If by some miracle everyone really likes this and wants more i might change it to be multiple chapters)

Before Amara, there was Cain and the mark.  
Dean knew when that mark scratched it's way up his arm that he would never be the same, he knew he would lose a piece of himself. But he did it anyway, he accepted the mark and all the burdens that came with it.  
He did it for the job.  
Back before his dad died he prided himself on their work, he relished in it, he enjoyed it. Saving people, hunting things. It was what they did, it was what he grew up knowing. It was the only thing he grew up knowing. He never knew what a 'normal' life even looked like, let alone a normal life for his family. Part of him was glad, that way it was easier. He never lost 'normal' because he was too young to really remember what normal looked like.  
Sammy though, he was practically born into it. but unlike his brother Sam wanted no part of their life.  
Looking back now Dean realizes that they never had a choice, of all the times he or Sam tried to distance themselves from hunting the only result was that it came back and bit them in the ass big time.

They were born for it. _"The orders were very clear. You and Sam needed to be born"_ , He remembers the cupid telling him that, at the time those words just pissed him off. but now though. now he understands.  
He and Sam were never meant for anything but this. Sammy knows this too, While Dean's glad his brother has floated back to planet earth he can't help but miss that glint in Sam's eyes, that prominent look of hope, like everything will sort itself out, the fight will end and they can go home  
HOME  
The idea of the apple pie life had been long since abandoned by his brother. He thinks that's when he saw the hope disappear. Sam used to be full of life, he used to be full of ideas and enthusiasm. But now it's different.  
They're both different

Sam's told him he looks like a walking corpse, not that Sam looks any better himself now anyway.  
but in reality Dean died at the same time Sam did. When he first watched the light behind his little brothers eyes fade and the life leave him, Deans heart shattered. When Bobby had to be the one to pry Deans arms off of his brothers limp body, Dean cried. His body shook hard with the tears as he fisted his hands into the back of Sams jacket. Trying his hardest to keep his brother with him. To deny himself that realization. Dean didn't deserve to cry, he didn't deserve to grieve. So he didn't.  
Instead he made a deal.  
_'Because what's one deal when you're already dead anyway huh'_

Making that deal should have been the hardest thing he'd ever done. But he didn't think twice, he never did when it came to his brother. And despite everything Sam said, he knew he'd have done the same thing. _'I guess that's why we're here',_  
_'cause whatever happens, we always make sacrifices for each other'_ _'The Winchesters always test fate'_ , His dad did it. After the crash. And he did it, for Sam. Time and time again Sam and Dean had both made sacrifices to save one another. Now Dean can't help but feel like their life line is fading, almost as if the Winchesters patented nine lives are now dwindled down to just a measly one. In a way that makes him scared, a part of him doesn't want to die. A part of him wants to live, wants to go out and grab life by the balls. But the other part of him feels ready, and that scares him even more. He can accept death, he can accept the fact that people just don't live forever, and he feels like he's done enough. He's played his part in the war and now it's time to let the big kids punch it out. 

He's finished. 

He's tired.

He's tired of always looking over his shoulder, he's tired of cleaning up god's bullshit, he's tired of the burden of it all.  
And he sort of feels like maybe when he dies, he'll finally get a break. But he knows that it doesn't work like that.  
Cause even in death the Winchesters can never catch a break.

He's told Sammy this before. Not in so many words.  
He's told his brother he's tired, He's pretty sure that at the time Sammy just wrote off to him being upset about dads death. But now it's different.  
Deans older. He's surprised he lasted this long, if it weren't for Sam he probably wouldn't have. _'Course Castiel played his part too, what with the "I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from Perdition" and the whole Angel of the Lord thing'_ Cas is the real reason why Dean and Sam are still standing. _'I feel like i should thank the bastard',_ _'maybe i should get him a gift basket?'_ He chuckles to himself

He knows though that without Cas, Sam and Dean would've been royally screwed a long time ago. He was the glue that held the two remaining Winchesters together. He helped them and they helped him. And overtime Dean grew to love him. Cas became like a brother to them both, but deep down Dean loves him more than that. It was apparently painfully obvious to everyone apart from Sam that both Dean and Castiel have feelings for each other. Though neither of them will ever act on it, Deans happy just knowing that Cas is around. He supposes that the rest will come with time.  
Even though his mind is telling him he has no more time left.

He'd like to deny it. Brush off that feeling of constant dread, and the pit in his stomach, telling him that they've _had it too good, the ball will drop any minute_ , but he knows the feeling, It's happened too many times before and he knows it'll happen again. And they'll lose it all.  
Everything they worked so hard to fight for will be gone. And Dean will stand there afterwards knowing that he couldn't do jack to stop it, all he could do was wait. 

Wait for it to all come crashing down around them.

Deans tired of waiting though. That's why he agreed to let Sam go. That's why he agreed to let him talk to Lucifer. He thinks that maybe they can stop the storm before the rain. And he can see hope in Sam's eyes again, Sam's eyes light up like Christmas at the very thought of god being involved.  
He's always been faithful though, He's always thought god was around. The first time someone told him that god had left the building Dean could practically see the denial seep out of his brothers skin. Sam wanted to believe, he wanted to have that hope again.  
Hope that there was a chance for everyone.  
Deans never been faithful though. He knew god was gone.  
And to be honest he can't really blame him, who would want to watch people everywhere die just to prove that they're better then the next person. Who would want to watch humans destroy themselves slowly. Nobody does not even people want to believe what's happening, so he doesn't blame god for checking out.  
He lost hope a long time ago. He just hopes Sammy doesn't lose his

And that whatever happens next. He keeps fighting. He needs to.  
And Dean needs to as well, if not for his sake then for Sams and Castiels Cause he used to fight, hell back in the day he'd put up a good fight with anyone that crossed him or his family...but now not so much, he's lost himself.


End file.
